If I could fall into the sky, do you think time, would pass me by?

hey all,

God boredom is like overrated, no underrated, no, what th hell am I talking about? I could just delete it right here but I won't cause quite frankly I have nothing better to do with my life. And my fingers will be out in too much stress to press the backspace button. So moving on, the bitches are still being bitches and like everyones arguing, quite funny really. And like while veryones crying and getting upset about nothing, there are bigger problems that affect us more. How many times a ay do I say I. Do we ever stop and like think whats really important? My answer is no, we don't. See where as because I don't cry , people assume I don't have problems, I have way bigger problems and a way harder life than most of them. But I get on with it, I have to live with it, theres no way to change whats layed out ahead of me. So thats why I just live with it. I do what needs to be done and I don't cry. Some people say it's good to cry, I don't think so. Crying lets out all these emotions that I don't want out. When Kathleen has a panic attack she tells me all these things, she wouldn't normally tell me, but now cause shes upset and she doesn't know where she really is, she spills all. It's better to keep it in. That way, you can never spill what you don't want to be heard.I guess I am sad. Yes, I probably am depressed, but do I care? The hell I do. I don;t give a damne to be honest. And when I look into the mirror staring back at me, isn't who I want to look at, It's a fucked up girl who doesn't know whats wrong. I can see the sadness behind my eyes but I cover that up with a mask. I want a sparkle deep in my eyes, and though I can plaster a bright smile over my face when needed, I can't cover the eyes. The mask doesn't reach that far. And when I sometimes sit alone in a lesson, surrounded by books, and one of the teachers like calls me back after class, the whole routine 'Is everything alright Ellie? Any problems at home? I'm your friend you know' and god, I practically have a script 'Yes, everythings fine (cue the bright smile) I just don't feel too good' To which if it's Mrs Buckht and her spanish inquisition she'll stare at me and raise her eyebrows cause she knows she can't do any more, I've won in a way.Any way you put it, I can't decide whether every blow to my life makes me stronger or weaker. And yes, I miss my aunt. It was hard when she passed away last year, but I can't get over it. It just hasn't sunk in. It's weird, I just can't deal with it. I'm just some freak I guess who can't accept death. But I want to spend time with her still, I want her to take me out for days out. She was just too young, it's unfair how the world works, it just isn't fair. Nothings fair, it doesn't have to be fair, we do what we do and what comes we take.
I just know the thought of family councelling swimming at the back of the mothers head but there ain't no bloody way im going to go and listen to some tree hugging tosser tell me how to live my life, there aint no frickin way. It's not like the father would listen anyway, I mean after the whole, 'We are leaving you, you self centered bastard' thing I guess mum and I are getting free.
Anyway I'm gonna go,
see you,
xx